Countdowns

Countdowns are scary. I mostly associate them with bombs in movies, ticking away while the hero tries to cut the right wire.

I'll let you know, soon enough, how this movie ends. Hopefully, there'll be a sequel.

Gristmaz Code and New Year Woze.

Christmas this time was not as fun as it usually has been. Actually, it hasn't been fun for a few years now. I've noticed that removing family from the equation in a family-oriented festival is not the smartest thing to do.
But then,
why pretend for a day
that everything's okay?
I've learned to not do that. And slowly, everyone else in the family is learning that as well. We didn't have the usual Christmas decorations, or the usual Christmas goodies. Nothing was usual this year, everything was 'un'usual. It was as unnatural a Christmas as I'll ever see, hopefully. And part of the reason for that was the stupid loneliness I forced upon myself this time. Forced, because I had no good reason to keep thinking about it. I had no reason to keep picking at it, like I do with wounds that haven't quite healed, noticing every five irksome minutes that it itches, it burns, and if I find something hard enough to hit it against, it nearly kills me. Of course, like any good metaphor, this one adheres to one more rule.

I wonder why I wasn't more careful.

Correct me if I'm wrong--point out my happiness should you glimpse it in my alcohol-induced shiny eyes--but I feel I'm going to be carrying this loneliness into the new year. That's not a happy prospect at all (if I must state the obvious). Last year's new year was equally lonely. And quite sad, in a lame sorta' way. I probably sold some of my pride for a night I looked at through whisky-coloured glasses, at least at the time. In hindsight, retrospect and as my brutally honest consciousness has told me since, it wasn't the fun-filled party I once saw. A lot of melancholy people there, happy they weren't with someone else, and sad for the same reason. We all smiled a lot that night. Laughed a lot too. It was a great night, as nights go; it was a horrible start to the year, as starts to the year go.

I'll try to be more optimistic this year. But it's far easier being pessimistic. It's far easier to close myself up and wallow in self-pity, self-loathing and memories of my long, lost love.

So maybe that's my first resolution. To try and not be so god-damned lazy.

Second, try and notice one thing/person/book/song/etc I cherish in my life. And make sure I don't lose it/forget it/throw it by the wayside this year.

There will be more...there are always more...resolutions at least. And new years too.

07 -> 08 (Right now, at the arrow)

A fellow blogger's equally introspective about the coming year.

I have my own hopes about it. Perhaps it'll be one that will erase, somehow, the existence of this current one. Maybe by allowing me to write '08 instead of '07 when I put a cheque in the bank. Or maybe by allowing me to refer to last November and December as relatively decent months. But then again, it'll also force me to refer to last September as a month where things went horribly wrong. As a month where I lost my best friend and gained an acquaintance who insisted that instant messaging was meaningful enough and did not at all signify indifference. I begged to differ. I prefer nothing to that. I don't take IMs seriously. Haven't for a while, and often wonder why I did in the first place.

Anyhoo, point is, as I cross over into the second half of the last month of the year, I'm scrambling to find a way out of this city. Need to get out of Bombay to salvage what little sanity I've left. Read Rilke's Letters To A Young Poet? Talks about making your peace with solitude. Where solitude is not marked by loneliness, but by coming to terms with your self, being okay when you're busy being alone, hell, learning how to be busy when you're alone. That's my resolution for these last few days.

I hope that I can.

In the meanwhile, I take what life throws at me. And I find the need to point out this post I found through one of life's many digressions. Watch that video and tell me that you didn't find a genuine smile on your face.

But that's not what I'd like to sign out with. I'd like to sign out today with a lyric from my new favourite (one-man) band.

Leave the bright blue door on the white-washed wall
Leave the death ledger under city hall
Leave the joyful air in that rubber ball today

Just leave the lilac print on the linen sheet
Leave the birds you killed at your father's feet
Let the sideways rain in the crooked street remain

You can find out the band, and song, for yourself. But only if you must.

The Great Negotiator

I saw An Inconvenient Truth the other day. The movie inspired by Al Gore's personal battle against global warming--i.e. his slide show. Sounds absolutely daft, not to mention politically motivated, but I was moved. In fact, I was so moved, I wiki'ed the movie. Just to see what the net has to say about things. And that, right there, was my first mistake.

I thought I was confused before I saw the movie. Then the movie sort of put things in place, in perspective. And I thought, 'Yes, global warming is definitely real. It's something we all need to work towards getting rid of.' So wiki'ing it just meant that I find out more about how I can reduce my personal carbon emissions, and maybe get some friends to follow suit.

But how could things be that simple? They never are.

On the web, I came across criticisms against the whole 'Global Warming' situation, which stated quite clearly that it was a scam. Global Warming is a scam, they said. Well, fuck me, I said. Now, even though Al Gore mentions that there have always been critics, I figured I should read for myself and make up my own mind. That, right there, was my second mistake.

The critics cited instances where certain consequences of Global Warming were exaggerated. Certain scientists, it seems, do not agree with Mr. Gore about some of his reported consequences. No, no, they say, it won't be that serious. Besides, most of what's happening is natural. Not all of it is man-made. Fair enough.

Then PETA drops from some tree onto the bandwagon, and says: Hey, it's the livestock industry in the US that's causing more damage than the automobile industry. So why don't you become a vegan Mr. Gore?

To which I say: Huh?

So who's fucking around with the rest of us? I have always gone with my instincts, and my instincts have told me that the oil-thirsty Bush will always go with the use of oil, and Gore is on the other side. Ergo, I should be on Gore's side, right? But what if Gore is sitting on the board of some 'eco-friendly' company, who're just waiting to push their eco-friendly products onto us for exorbitant prices?

I think I'm just being excessively paranoid. But that's nothing new for a conspiracy theorist who once believed that all the rickshaw drivers were screwing him over just because the one rickshaw that agreed, after nine refused, to take him home happened to have a meter that thought the game was 'How fast can you go?'.

Still, it's funny how many have realised the effects of doubt on the human brain. And they're using it well.

So I light up another cigarette and go find a trash can to dump my empty pack in.

Some convenience in exchange for some inconvenience.

Old News

This is something I found, somewhere...

"You're not alive, you just play the part so well."

We spare special thought for our own words, don't we?

The Broker

I hate being broke. Up the proverbial river without the proverbial paddle. I hate people who insist on using 'proverbial' before something you might've heard in a proverb -- in a lame attempt to hide that they're being cliched. Idiots. But that's beside the point. If I were to go down that road, I'd also point out how much I hate the word 'anyways' and people who use it. But in all fairness, someone would probably point out how I keep using the word 'anyhoo'.

And there I go, digressing. Struggling to get back to the point, allow me to repeat the thought that irks me the most right now: I hate being broke.

And I take it Rs 500 in your bank account is being broke. Especially when your cheque is coming in the next 10 days or so. I take some unfair pleasure in the fact that it's not all my fault. It's also my stupid office's fault. They always pay late. I end up borrowing money from my dad, and never repaying him. I hate that.

I got a call from ICICI today, saying I'd been pre-approved for a 'Lifetime-free' credit card. Unlike all the other times when I've gotten that call and struggled with a way to express how much I didn't need the damned thing, this time the explanation I was looking for was for me. To tell myself I really didn't need to spend money that wasn't mine. Fate was just a little helpful today, she got the line cut. The ICICI girl in Chennai obviously thought I was supremely rude to cut her off mid-sentence. But that's okay. I'm not getting a credit card, thank God.

I hate that I have nothing to write about for other magazines. So that they'll give me more money and just let me have my extra money for the month. So that I can eat a decent lunch and not feel terrible about spending money on a slightly lavish meal. So that I can go drinking with my friends and not feel terrible about spending money on a slightly lavish drink. So that I can not borrow money from my folks at the beginning of every month because my office is unprofessional enough to hand over my paycheck at the start of every month instead of at the end. Fuckers.

I hate being broke and not being able to buy my own iPod, DSLR, new guitar, new shoes, new clothes.

I feel I'm in over my head. Running for a cause that would have seemed so pointless a few years ago. I want to go back in time. Just a couple of years. And not because I feel old and tired all the time now, though I do. But because I know the mistakes I've made. And I'm so sorry that I want to undo them. Unhurt people, and myself too.

I hate being broken.

This year....

This year started as a struggle. It started as a struggle to accept that I am not perfect, much as I would like to believe. Much as I would like to believe, that I too act out of selfishness and hunger and greed and the need to self-glorify. I 'cheated' on a girl+friend at the end of last year. And as this year begun -- as I struggled with my selfish, greedy, hungry, self-glorifying self -- I had a far bigger battle to fight. One where I was trying desperately to not lose my girl+friend.

I lost the second fight. The bigger one. The far more important one, at least prima facie.

I'd like to think I won the first fight. But I've noticed there's almost always a difference between what you'd like to think and what actually is.

I'd accept all faults willingly, if I'd won the second fight. But post-traumatic stress, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to accept I am a lesser man than I once thought.

As this year progressed, I lost more. But still, not all was lost.

I'm a single man now. Not attached in any way to any one. I find hope in this new freedom. Hope that I'm at the eve of a long day that's ended early. Maybe I'll sleep before midnight. Maybe I'll get an early start tomorrow.

Maybes are for the commitment-wary. Sigh, okay, I'll add it to the list.

This is new.

This is old.

Get the point?