The Broker

I hate being broke. Up the proverbial river without the proverbial paddle. I hate people who insist on using 'proverbial' before something you might've heard in a proverb -- in a lame attempt to hide that they're being cliched. Idiots. But that's beside the point. If I were to go down that road, I'd also point out how much I hate the word 'anyways' and people who use it. But in all fairness, someone would probably point out how I keep using the word 'anyhoo'.

And there I go, digressing. Struggling to get back to the point, allow me to repeat the thought that irks me the most right now: I hate being broke.

And I take it Rs 500 in your bank account is being broke. Especially when your cheque is coming in the next 10 days or so. I take some unfair pleasure in the fact that it's not all my fault. It's also my stupid office's fault. They always pay late. I end up borrowing money from my dad, and never repaying him. I hate that.

I got a call from ICICI today, saying I'd been pre-approved for a 'Lifetime-free' credit card. Unlike all the other times when I've gotten that call and struggled with a way to express how much I didn't need the damned thing, this time the explanation I was looking for was for me. To tell myself I really didn't need to spend money that wasn't mine. Fate was just a little helpful today, she got the line cut. The ICICI girl in Chennai obviously thought I was supremely rude to cut her off mid-sentence. But that's okay. I'm not getting a credit card, thank God.

I hate that I have nothing to write about for other magazines. So that they'll give me more money and just let me have my extra money for the month. So that I can eat a decent lunch and not feel terrible about spending money on a slightly lavish meal. So that I can go drinking with my friends and not feel terrible about spending money on a slightly lavish drink. So that I can not borrow money from my folks at the beginning of every month because my office is unprofessional enough to hand over my paycheck at the start of every month instead of at the end. Fuckers.

I hate being broke and not being able to buy my own iPod, DSLR, new guitar, new shoes, new clothes.

I feel I'm in over my head. Running for a cause that would have seemed so pointless a few years ago. I want to go back in time. Just a couple of years. And not because I feel old and tired all the time now, though I do. But because I know the mistakes I've made. And I'm so sorry that I want to undo them. Unhurt people, and myself too.

I hate being broken.