Gristmaz Code and New Year Woze.

Christmas this time was not as fun as it usually has been. Actually, it hasn't been fun for a few years now. I've noticed that removing family from the equation in a family-oriented festival is not the smartest thing to do.
But then,
why pretend for a day
that everything's okay?
I've learned to not do that. And slowly, everyone else in the family is learning that as well. We didn't have the usual Christmas decorations, or the usual Christmas goodies. Nothing was usual this year, everything was 'un'usual. It was as unnatural a Christmas as I'll ever see, hopefully. And part of the reason for that was the stupid loneliness I forced upon myself this time. Forced, because I had no good reason to keep thinking about it. I had no reason to keep picking at it, like I do with wounds that haven't quite healed, noticing every five irksome minutes that it itches, it burns, and if I find something hard enough to hit it against, it nearly kills me. Of course, like any good metaphor, this one adheres to one more rule.

I wonder why I wasn't more careful.

Correct me if I'm wrong--point out my happiness should you glimpse it in my alcohol-induced shiny eyes--but I feel I'm going to be carrying this loneliness into the new year. That's not a happy prospect at all (if I must state the obvious). Last year's new year was equally lonely. And quite sad, in a lame sorta' way. I probably sold some of my pride for a night I looked at through whisky-coloured glasses, at least at the time. In hindsight, retrospect and as my brutally honest consciousness has told me since, it wasn't the fun-filled party I once saw. A lot of melancholy people there, happy they weren't with someone else, and sad for the same reason. We all smiled a lot that night. Laughed a lot too. It was a great night, as nights go; it was a horrible start to the year, as starts to the year go.

I'll try to be more optimistic this year. But it's far easier being pessimistic. It's far easier to close myself up and wallow in self-pity, self-loathing and memories of my long, lost love.

So maybe that's my first resolution. To try and not be so god-damned lazy.

Second, try and notice one thing/person/book/song/etc I cherish in my life. And make sure I don't lose it/forget it/throw it by the wayside this year.

There will be more...there are always more...resolutions at least. And new years too.