Here are a couple of corners of pages filled. They might not make sense, but I didn't want to forget where I am right now, where I was a few months ago.
1
...especially when i'm not sure as to why i should be keen on something that isn't happening, but that i'm trying to make happen. Life has, so far, just happened to me. It hasn't been my effort, well, rarely, but still, it hasn't been anything that i've done. it's just been fate, destiny and all of the forces of the universe that have thrown things at me that i've attempted to catch like a blind man who's learnt that martial art you only learn in movies where you catch something by just listening to the air whoosh by.
2
I am
like
slivers of silver oranges,
precious but only semi,
peeled and left... unnoticed.
My love
is like
an unwanted, old balloon,
deflated and chained with cotton,
to the remnants of life's celebrations.
If I am, then you are too,
if I bleed, then so will you,
if I die, then you will wish it too.
If this is what you meant,
if this is what you wanted,
if this is how you saw it happen,
then go find someone else to fuck you,
and kiss you, while you dreamhopepray
it's okay.
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5 comments:
#1 is so The Fact. I would rail against feeling like a chess piece being moved around against my will. Then I tried to fake it to make it. Fail. Now it’s Hmmm…imagine what it’s like to feel a measure of control over my life even though if I look back over my life, it proves there is no such thing as control—I can’t control time progression, I can’t control what all the billions of others on the planet do and say, and even me! I say I’m going to do something and then something changes and I just don’t and it works out a whole different way—but just imagine…and I do and I try to do what I imagined and then something changes and I just don’t and it works out a whole different way…
At least you’re a sliver of a peeled silver orange, an old balloon chained with cotton (I LOVED all that!!!). I’m a dim flicker forever craving the blaze of light that forever frightens me to death in darkness.
Thanks for posting more :-)
'like the slivers of silver oranges,
precious but only semi'..
Wow!!
Alister: Have you ever asked yourself what the meaning of life is? Sometimes I feel like it's all about the struggle. A struggle we're never really meant to or equipped enough to overcome. So it's God/Life/Fate's way of saying, try, if you succeed, you win the grand prize, if you don't, there're some consolation prizes here.
Gauri: Thanks. I never quite know what to make of my writing, so the compliment (I take it that was one) helps. :)
You have to know I have! I more often that not feel ill equipped for what I’m faced with in life. Seems every day if there’s not some new challenge looming that freaks me out from my thinking that I can’t handle it, there’s some pissant old fear, some old childhood conditioning nay-saying “tape” looping through my head trying to screw me up. But I think the mere recognition of what I’ve just written, that this is what goes on, takes the edge off that garbage so when I see the looming thing I can can go OK and begin to slice it up into workable chunks and get through it, and when I hear the tapes telling me what a loser I am, I can go, “Oh YOU again…shut up.” And I’ve got history on my side. Hindsight proves that even if I didn’t pull off an Olympian victory over some crap, I got a heck of a lesson from it. And all this victory and lesson stuff builds and stocks me up for the next thing I have to face. I really don’t think that’s ever going to end. So yeah, I think you’re right about the struggle, but not necessarily about a prize. I get the feeling no one gets a prize because I don't think there's a win or lose. I think, and I have absolutely nothing to base this on, that life is all about some personal mission, like each of us has something we’re here to work out. As time goes by, I feel more and more like I’ve got this shit to work out and this is the way it’s getting done. On a good day, when I look back, there’s a sense of guided accomplishment. On a bad day, I feel like I’m on an out of control ride and all I wanna do is get off. Either way, our lives are short, so when we’re liking life, we’re trying to make the most out of our time, and when we’re hating life, we’re going “Oh thank god this is going to be over soon! ;-)
could identify a lot with #1. been that way for me too.
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